You Have To Remember

Take another breath.

Open your eyes.

Stare into the mirror.

Now start the test you always seem to fail. Say the words. You are beautiful. The image in the mirror stares back relentlessly; it doesn't give you comfort – comfort that you so desperately need. It only points out the ever-growing list of flaws. You don't remember when you saw the first imperfection. The only thing you can see now is the worst. Flaw. Blemish. Defect. Your mind whispers the words persistently, and as you listen, turns them into more hurtful monters.  Ugly. Hideous. Unsightly. You can't sort out the lies anymore. It's right. You are.

Am I beautiful?

Losing all grasp on the treacherous ground of self-confidence, you fall deeper and deeper, giving up hope of finding your way out again. You never saw it coming. What could have made you fall? But with so many traps, how could you have not? Maybe it was your heart. Was that the reason he didn't notice you? Where you not pretty enough for him? Words perhaps? They sting more than they should even if they come from the mouths of people you don't even really know. You were strong you say? That doesn't matter. Eventually the toughest break if hit repeatedly enough. Maybe you don't even know. Regardless the reason they all lead to one place.

I'm not beautiful.

Somehow the whispered words in your head aren't whispered anymore, and grow until one day they just slip out. You freeze and listen to the words leave your mouth and ring in your ears. By now the lies have contorted the truth so much that you can't even see it anymore. The first tear falls and you feel something inside yourself die, just a little. I bet it was that last shred of self-confidence you had been holding onto.

I'm ugly.

Now you can't look in the mirror anymore. It only brings pain. You hide away your whispered secret. No one can know – you won't let them know. It brings too much shame and ache. You know you should know better. So you go each day with a smile hiding that secret, while it slowly poisons you from the inside. Sometimes, while you're out, you forget the secret, just for a little while. But every relfection. Every photograph. Every mirror reminds you and takes away even your happiest times. The words and thoughts turn into a viscous monster that refuses to let you go.

Why?

But don't you know? You can't save yourself. The monster is too strong. And the monster is you. You're your own worst enemy and the only way to win is with the help of people who love  you. God. Family. Friends. You're secrets only form a wall that shuts yourself off from love. You have to face the demons. Let the tears flow. Set the truth free. Prove the lies for what they are! Lies! Don't give into the monster. Send it straight into the love of the people around you, and soon, it will lose its hold on you. Together you can climb back up again. Whatever led you to become the monster can be overcome through time. And maybe, you can find the words again.

I.  Am. Beautiful.